Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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