My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
