i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
