good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
