we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
