I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
