just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
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Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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