Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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