So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
