Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
