never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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