this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
