Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
