woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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