I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
