Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
