Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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