Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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