I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
