i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
