Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
