Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
