I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
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You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
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I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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