I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
