I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
