its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize