This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
