here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
