and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
