Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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