I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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