I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
