Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
