So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
