i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
