I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
