Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
