The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
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