Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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