The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
