I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
