see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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