I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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