Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just gift wrapped bread.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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