Michael Bay diarrhea
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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