ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
