I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
