if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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