My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
