Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
