dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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