spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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