I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
