im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
