its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
