just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Randomize
