I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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