Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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