3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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