i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
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I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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