Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
