I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He better not be in your backpack
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
